6 ways living with chronic illness strengthens your relationships (that might surprise you)
I’ll be honest, when I started writing about chronic illness and relationships, I was going through all the stuff like how chronic illness in relationships can be a challenge, how to navigate those challenges, and so on.
Whilst all of that is really important to acknowledge and talk about, I think there’s a side lesser discussed.
It can be really easy to see chronic illness as a ‘but’ in your relationship, something without which your relationship would be much better. But, as my view stands on most things chronic illness, there’s space to see things another way.
I think chronic illness in relationships has the power to be a really positive force.
For the avoidance of doubt, I’m talking about chronic illness and romantic relationships, but this stuff totally applies to other relationships, too.
And stick around until - or scroll on to - the end, as I cover a little dating/new relationship/casual relationship stuff.
The presence of chronic illness in your relationship can be confirmation that you’ve found your right person.
There’s a common thought that if a relationship breaks down due to chronic illness, it’s because the partner without chronic illness is heartless and selfish. I have to say, most of the time, I don’t think that’s true
We all know what chronic illness can do to us, let alone how it can affect those around us. When people leave relationships in which chronic illness is a factor, we need to consider the bigger picture, however much it hurts. What we really shouldn’t do is blame the chronic illness and believe that if it wasn’t for that, the relationship would have lasted. That’s very rarely the case.
Back to the main point. When you do find a person that sticks around through the highs and the lows, who sees you for who you are beyond your chronic illness, who’s able to be there in the trenches with you as much as they’re able to be with you at any other time… you KNOW!
There have been times in my relationship when I’ve been shut off from the world, when I’ve been unable to communicate my needs, when I’ve been exhausted and snappy, when I haven’t let my partner in, when I've been faaaar from myself, and you know, I look back and wonder ‘what made my partner stick around’. At times, chronic illness being present in our relationship has brought us close to breaking point.
What I did know, having experienced the other side of the coin is that my partner sticking around, says more about him than it does anything else.
To be able to see that a person is struggling, even if they won’t let you in, requires compassion. To be able to see that a person needs help and support, even if they are unable to ask for it, requires insight. To be able to stay in it, through all the ups and downs, requires patience. To be able to hold on to the hope that it won’t always be this hard, requires faith and optimism. To be able to get into the trenches with you and hold you up when you need it requires grit and solidarity.
The best bit? They get to enjoy all the great times with you, too.
Those are all qualities I admire in a person and all are qualities I would look for in a partner.
*If someone doesn’t hold those qualities or is unable to stick around, that doesn’t make them a ‘bad’ person, it think it just means that at this moment in time, they’re not your person, and that’s OK.
2. After facing the tough bits of chronic illness, you can face anything together.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the presence of chronic illness in a relationship is one of the hardest things you can go through together.
As a result, it means you’re well versed in a lot of things life will throw your way.
I remember having a conversation with my partner in which we both agreed how good we are at struggling, which is partly due to the presence of chronic illness in our relationship. I think the same can be said for many couples that experience chronic illness together.
I say this with humour, as being ‘good’ at struggling isn’t exactly something you aim for in life, but it is really bloody useful!
What we’ve realised, is that being good at struggling means that we’re able to keep it together when shi* hits the fan in other areas of our life (which, at one point or another, is inevitable, right?!) And something about that is really comforting.
The key here, for us at least, is realising if/when you’re in an unnecessary ‘struggle rut’ (yes, seeking drama and struggle is a protective mechanism) and making plans to work your way out of it.
3. There aren’t many places to hide.
When you spend enough time with someone, there’s no hiding what you experience as a result of living with chronic illness, whatever that looks like for you.
Vulnerability is a really important part of connecting with someone and forming deep, trusting relationships. If you allow yourself to be vulnerable, to be seen by your chosen person when you’re going through both the highs and the lows, it really deepens the connection you have with one another.
Not to mention that vulnerability is often reciprocal and, by being vulnerable yourself, it might allow your partner to feel safe in being vulnerable with you, too.
Now I totally get why this can feel scary. What if, when they see you in ‘this way’, they stop liking you? What if it’s too much for them?
Can you also open yourself up to the possibility that in not hiding, they’ll see and appreciate your strength and resilience? Can you believe and trust that they have capacity for you, in all your forms?
Allowing your partner in to this part of your world can look like asking for support in all its forms. It can look like sharing your story and chronic illness journey. It can look like speaking truthfully about your thoughts and feelings around living with chronic illness, whether they’re ugly or inspired. It can look like showing them some parts and leaving others to be discussed in a coaching or therapeutic setting. It can look like sharing your goals, dreams and aspirations for life and how you plan to go after them in a way that’s nourishing and supported.
The most important thing to remember is that you get to decide.
Caveat: if this doesn’t feel safe to do, become curious about why. Is your brain and body trying to protect you from something based on past experience, or is it trying to protect you from something very real and present?
4. It promotes open honesty and healthy communication
See above. Hiding the chronic illness part of yourself becomes more difficult as time goes on. But there’s a silver lining to that, because communicating in an open and honest way about your chronic illness allows you to practice that skill and build trust that it’s safe to do.
I can’t tell you how many times this has ‘paid for itself’ in my relationship.
5. Living with chronic illness allows you to practice healthy boundaries in your relationship.
You’ll be all too aware that there are times when it’s absolutely necessary for you to establish boundaries with your partner.
Whether it’s in asking not to be touched in a certain way, or at all. Whether it’s saying that you don’t want to talk about ‘it’ today. Whether it’s telling them that you’re choosing not to do something, such as going to spend time with their friends or family because you need to rest…
Being able to communicate your boundaries in an open, heart-led way (again, see above) is really cool. You won’t always do it in a way that feels good or like it ‘went well’, and that’s OK. You get to have another stab at it and the more you do it, the better it will feel.
And you’ll get to establish some that don’t need to be repeated, that become part of the furniture, until, at least, things change.
6. You’ll grow to feel even more like a team.
Chronic illness in your relationship can help you to feel even more like a team than you might have otherwise.
Everything I’ve covered so far form the foundations of a beautifully functional team, and isn’t that what a relationship is about?
What if you’re not currently in a relationship but curious about how your chronic illness will affect future romantic relationships?
If you’re not in a romantic relationship, but in a situationship or dating, you might be wondering whether to be upfront about living with chronic illness.
Well, in short, there’s no right or wrong way to do it and it’s completely up to you,
There are of course cases where the other person never has or needs to know (if your chronic illness is ‘invisible’) - if its casual sex, for example. On the other hand, there are situations where the other person will find out sooner or later. And of course, there are cases where you don’t have a choice, because your chronic illness is visible - this is the case for me! Either way, I really hope this article has allowed you to feel a bit more optimistic about how future relationships might look for you, and allowed you to feel more grounded in bringing your whole self to the table.
Trust yourself and what feels right to you and remember, you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
However and whenever you choose to tell a person, if at all, I invite you to be curious - without judgement - about why you choose to tell or not tell them. Once you’ve figured that out, check in with yourself to see whether you still stand by that decision.
Has this post provided you with a different perspective on how chronic illness affects your relationship? I hope so!
It’s important to remember that relationships, of course, include humans, and change, and growth so please, take everything I’ve said with a pinch of salt and, to quote Louis Walsh, make it your own.
Use this as an opportunity to allow yourself to look for the good that living with a chronic illness has brought to your relationship…you might surprise yourself.